Part of the reason I feel so trapped is that we currently only have one working vehicle. We have three vehicles - my 2003 Ford ZX2 that is working wonderfully, my husband's 2000 Ford Crown Victoria that blew a spark plug and ripped out the threading and needs a new head, and my sister's Dodge Dakota which needs a new transmission that she left at our place when she decided to move cross-country a few weeks ago. We can't afford to fix those two vehicles just yet, so we're making do with my 2003 Ford ZX2.

The problem comes to play when I mention that my Ford ZX2 seats 4 people. Right now, I have myself, my two children, and one infant that I am watching. I could put my 5 year old in the front seat of the ZX2 in his booster seat, but I cannot turn off my air bag and his booster is too large for my front seat. This means that when I have the infant, I have to walk everywhere in order to go anywhere.

I need a minivan. I need a minivan that seats 7-8 children. The state I live in allows me to watch 6 children at any one time at my current registration level, including my own two. I'd love to trade in my ZX2 for a certified preowned minivan.

I can't afford a cup of coffee at Starbucks, much less a minivan.

New goal? Scrape together $2 here and $5 here and $7 here to try to save up to get a minivan. Want to help me? Click on my Amazon links in my posts, buy stuff you want or need, and earn me money. Even better? Buy through my Usborne Books and More links. I get a higher commission.

Am I starting to feel desperate? You betcha. I make $5,000 a year right now (I have been advertising but I still have 2 openings at 5k each a year), and I just entered into my student loan repayment period. $3,981.00 a year in student loan repayments. $1,000 a year in insurance payments. Oh wait, that leaves me with $20 a year to buy gas, groceries for the kids in the daycare, pay for this website, buy new socks, pay for my doctor's appointments, etc.

Oh man, I think I just panicked a bit more.

Labels: random

Aaron left a comment on my original post about my random facts, here. His aren't quite as random though.

Labels: random

Sometimes, when I tell people that I feel trapped in my own home, I don't think they understand. Yes, I need to get out of my house. I feel this overwhelming burning desire to get out, to run, to flee. To head for the poles. To get some adventure. To be me.

The solution derived from others appears to be to go grocery shopping, to walk outside, to just leave the home when my husband gives me the okay.

What they don't understand is that is still prison. When your jailor tells you that you can go for a walk outside in the courtyard, is that not still jail?

What is freedom? I would be free, I would not be trapped, if I could leave when I want to leave. That is what freedom is.

If I could leave the house for a bite of lunch, or go shopping when I want, or even take my kids to their doctor's appointments. Monday, I had to cancel my kids' dentist appointments because my husband had taken my car to a work appointment, stranding me at home. Tuesday, I had to cancel my son's hearing appointment because my husband had a sudden work appointment, and I didn't have enough seats for all the children.

I'm trapped. When wild things are trapped, bad things happen.

I feel like bad things are happening.

Labels: random

The baby is very upset today, which makes getting anything done absolute hell.

Will try another time.

Today is our housewarming / Nate's birthday / Sammi's birthday party and I've been frantically preparing and cleaning and organizing for the past week and a half for it. We've lived in our house for almost three years, but this is the first time some of my family will see it!

After today I will have time to upload all the pictures of the monster truck rally, the updated prairie pictures after the burn from our local nature preserve, some self-portraits, pictures of the kids, Nate's birthday pictures, the party pictures, and the house pictures. Not to mention, I need to finish my homeschooling posts and the wedding posts from a year ago! I also have some neat craft posts sitting in the "draft" position, because I haven't had time to finish the crafts. I look forward to sharing some of our dinners and my newest favorite refreshment.

So, please hang in with me as I go through this turmoil at my house and things start to even out again. I swear, if I wasn't so busy, I'd post five times a day with my useless commentary! Meanwhile, keep an eye on Twitter because it's a lot easier to come up with 140 characters on the fly than a bunch of blog posts.

Thanks!

Labels: random

Today, my son turns five.

Five years ago, today, I gave birth to my son.

This fall, my son enters into alternative kindergarten.

Damn.

June 29, 2004

Sorry that I've been so busy! Little did I know that newborns would be so hard AND easy to take care of. I've gone between bawling over the fact that Nate couldn't get any food because he was chewing on my nipples instead of actually FEEDING to sniffing his hair and just smiling in that dreamy way because he smelt SO good... in about two seconds.

Nathaniel Jeffrey Nicholas (last name) was born at 7:26 pm on 25 June 2004. He was nine pounds and nine ounces. I think his head was fourteen inches, but I can't remember what they told me. I know that it was huge and when they showed me the charts his head was on the "larger than normal" side. He is only twenty and one quarter inches long though. Short and chubby!

Here's a picture from the hospital (removed); it was taken less than twenty-four hours after Nate was born. I sent an e-mail to my mom and had her distribute it to family and friends. Here's the content of that letter:

That's a picture taken of him less than 24 hours after the delivery. He was still having a bunch of problems with his circulation, so his hands are blueish in that picture. He was also really really swollen. It was not an easy delivery. His heartbeat dropped a couple times, and several times we couldn't find it via the monitor so I got really worried, and then he got stuck in the birth canal. The doctor had to manually rotate him about 45 minutes into pushing because he just wasn't rotating on his own. 45 more minutes of pushing and he was born! :) His color was really bad and he had a lot of gunk in his lungs so the nurses had to work on him for quite awhile. His Apgar was a 5, but the second time he shaped right up and had an 8.

I started having contractions Thursday the 24th around 1000 (am) at work and ended up leaving at lunch time. I had back labor throughout the night and went into the doctor's office around 9 am on the 25th. I didn't actually go to the hospital until around 2 pm and then Nate was born at 7:26 pm.

I'll have better pictures up once I go home. Right now I'm staying at my mom's because I'm not in the best condition. :)

I didn't have any medication throughout the delivery or labor (other than some Tylenol on Thursday); in fact, I didn't even have an IV. I kept hydrated through ice chips and water. You can believe me when I say that my mom and my doula had to almost force it on me during active phase and part of transition, but during the final parts of the transition stage I was practically begging for the ice chips. Of course, I had a hard time eating them because the nurse had to put me on oxygen since the baby was having such a hard time (and I was having problems remembering to BREATHE ;). I just removed the mask, chowed down, put it back on and got ready to rock and roll. When transition started I was in so much pain I couldn't even tell you my name... but it all ended up okay because I got Nate!

Nate is such a sweet baby. We had a check-up today and he was 8 pounds and 12 ounces so he's really dropped weight. The doctor said that was normal. He isn't so chubby now. Hopefully I'll have some more pictures up next week. Right now I'm just too tired to get to it.

Well, he is whimpering and I think he's hungry so I'll have to talk more about the greatest thing that every happened to me... later. :)

Tschus!

July 26, 2004
Dear Nate,

Son, I would just like to tell you that I love you. I love you regardless of the fact that this morning you puked all over my shirt and all over your clothes. I love you regardless of the fact that I fed you at 20:30, you woke me up at 23:30, again at 02:30, again at 04:30, and I haven't been able to sleep yet because your stomach is upset and you won't sleep.

I love you regardless of the fact that you often scream until you are blue in the face when I am trying to hold you (but I realize it is just because you having defecation problems).

If I do not hold you when I fall asleep I feel as if I am missing part of my soul. When you sleep in your own bed I often feel bereft without your warmth beside me.

We will have tough days ahead. Never let it be said that I am not a strict Momma. I am. I also love you and I will express it as best as I know how. You will probably get sick of hearing about the Army values in your childhood, but I hope when you are an adult you will have the character of a true soldier, even if you do not chose that as your profession. True soldiers are loyal and respectful, honest and trustworthy, intelligent and strong. Not all military members are true soldiers.

As I write this you are rocking away in your swing, finally falling asleep. I hope you don't have any nightmares tonight. The funny thing is, when I was talking to your Oma, I asked her how you could have nightmares. You've only been in this world a month. I swear that you act as if you are having a nightmare. You shake, you toss your head a little, you let out little cries, and then you are quiet. Oma says that you are probably having nightmares about a very dark place where your head is very constricted and then after several hours of great pain, you are thrust into bright lights. A new version of the "light at the end of the tunnel". We both had a rough time of it.

You've been in my life a month already and I wouldn't give you up. I didn't think I was going to make it through those first four weeks and I've made it through that and a couple days. Now I'm wondering if I'll make it to six months. I'm not confident in my ability to raise you on my own, but I am nothing if not stubborn.

I believe that you have the make-up necessary to be a good person and I will do everything I can to help you throughout your life. Already you are such a good baby and only cry when your diaper is wet, you are trying to defecate, or are really hungry. Some babies just cry for hours on end for no reason, but not you.

One thing I tell you a lot is that you are "Momma's little squiggly baby". Often when I was trying to breastfeed in those first two weeks you'd wiggle all over trying to find the source of your food. I'd get exasperated but would just tell you to stop "squiggling". It seemed to calm you down. My first real nickname for you was "Momma's Firefly with the Broken Butt". That one is a real mouthful. While you were on the billirubin blanket, you glowed a bright blue steadily. For some reason in my sleep deprived haze at the wee hours of the morning (a little before o'dark thirty) I came up with this nickname.

I've also written you a little song for the mornings. I'm not a song-writer by any means... "Good morning good morning good morning, it is time to face the day. Good morning good morning good morning, your food is on its way. Good morning good morning good morning, it is time to wake up Nate. Good morning good morning good morning, we don't want to be late." This also seems to calm you down sometimes. Heck, I've had to read to you from the back of a coupon to get your eyes to open up and stare at mine as intently as you normally do.

Nate over all I just want you to remember that while you may not have been planned, just as I wasn't for my mom, you've already changed my life for the better and I love you intently as any mother loves her child. Plus, I've got a little wolf in me so I love you even more. ;)

Mom

07/26/2004 5:53

February 2, 2005

The feel of his velvety smooth skin along the spinal cord on his lower back.

The faint tracings of ocean blue veins along his temple.

The deep scent of his skin.

The sweet curve of his mouth when he smiles; the harsh angles of his mouth when he scowls.

The energetic movement of his legs as he kicks them like he is pedaling a bicycle.

The loud shrieks as he sees something that excites him; the low coos as he gazes up at me.

The "Siberian Husky blue" of his eyes when they peer into mine. They are outlined in a deep blue-gray but the inside are pure Siberian Husky. The outer rim isn't even -- in some places it is so thin you can't see it. The white of his eyes isn't actually white. In the corners it is white, but around his iris it is yellowed. I wonder why?

The exhales he gives as he wraps his chubby arms around my ribcage and nestles his head into the hollow between my breasts. The way his legs wrap around my hip and my inner thigh. He sleeps this way. So do I.

He loves me.

I love him.

Posted 2/2/2005 10:39 PM

I wrote these back before Nate turned a year old. I was twenty. Nearly five years have passed since I wrote these words, and while I look back and wonder where I even came up with some of it (I must have been sleep deprived), I know that I love my son even more deeply than I did then. We've made it through a lot. Our family started with just the two of us, but we have grown into something more. Nate's best friend is his little sister, and as he often gleefully tells us, I am his favoritest mommy in the world and Aaron is his favoritest daddy in the whole world.

He is such a happy little boy and I am so grateful that I made it past the first six months. :)

Labels: mommy blogging

Aaron and I bit the big bullet and bought Rockband 2. We finally caved in because we love to play the game and so do several of our friends, and in the past we'd always have to borrow the Rockband 1 game and set and video game console from Aaron's brothers. Over time that gets really annoying not only for us, but also for the owners of the game!

I had a hunch that Nate would love to play with the components of the game. Whenever we'd play Rockband or Guitar Hero over at Aaron's family's place, Nate would grab some drum sticks and beat away on the floor or whatever hard surface he could find. This is a kid that loves making music! (He started piano lessons a few weeks ago and while he's only made one so far, he really loves it.)

My hunch was right.



Look at that concentration! Tongue sticking out and everything.

So, after we affirmed that he does indeed like to hit things with sticks, we decided to set him up with the real thing. Wait - scratch that - the real GAME thing.



And hey, for his first time and his first game like this, he didn't do half bad.

Labels: mommy blogging

I recently became an independent consultant for Usborne Books and More. If you are interested in buying any products from them, please consider speaking with me or using the link to my ecommerce site. Soon I would like to design my own site so it is easier on the eyes and such - I'll let you know when I do that to your everlasting disgust I'm sure.

I became an independent consultant for this company because I love their books and use them all the time in our homeschooling day. I am using this opportunity to sell a product that I love in order to earn money and product. 25% of the money I earn via Usborne sales will be used to fund Nate's upcoming adoption by Aaron. 10% will be given to a local charity such as Local Foods Connection. The remaining 65% will be used to fund this site and any giveaways. If at some point I make enough that I can fund the site using a smaller percentage, then more money will be used to fund the adoption. Once we have enough money that Aaron can adopt Nate, then we will start saving up for our next adoption. Look for an upcoming post on why we want to adopt, and why Aaron (my husband) wants to adopt Nate (my biological son).

If you are searching for any books for a child, let me know what you are looking for and I may be able to help you.

This ends my annoying Usborne independent consultant sales talk. For today.

Why I love Usborne Books

Over a year ago I was introduced to the wonderful realm of Usborne Books. I was walking around a renaissance fair with my two young children and my amazing husband when I saw a booth full to the brim with colorful illustrated children's books. A closer look showed me that there was mostly non-fiction books of highly entertaining quality. As a book lover and an education lover, I was hooked.

We have several titles in our personal library: Usborne / The Children's Book of Art (internet linked) by Rosie Dickins (My Usborne Site), Usborne Spotter's Guides / The Night Sky (with internet links) (My Usborne Site), On a Pirate Ship by Sarah Courtald and illustrated by Benji Davies (My Usborne Site), Usborne Touchy Feely / Hide-and-Seek Dragons (with flaps) illustrated by Fabiano Fiorin (My Usborne Site), Usborne Internet-Linked / Encyclopedia of the Ancient World (My Usborne Site), The Usborne / First Encyclopedia of Our World (My Usborne Site), and The Usborne / First Encyclopedia of Space (Internet-Linked) (My Usborne Site).

When I became a consultant, I received even more books to display and showcase! I've had to continually pry them away from my children because they love Usborne books so much. I now have: Usborne / The Complete Book of First Experiences illustrated by Stephen Cartwright (My Usborne Site), Usborne Classics Retold / Huckleberry Finn from the story of Mark Twain (My Usborne Site), Super Duck by Jez Alborough (My Usborne Site), Usborne / 1001 Pirate Things to Spot (My Usborne Site), Usborne Activities / Sticker Dolly Dressing Ballerinas (My Usborne Site), Usborne / Shapes sticker book (My Usborne Site), Usborne Internet-Linked / First Encyclopedia of Dinosaurs and Prehistoric Life (My Usborne Site), Usborne Farmyard Tales Board Books / Curly the Pig (My Usborne Site), Usborne Touchy-Feely Books / That's not my teddy... its paws are too wooly (My Usborne Site), and Usborne Activities / Animal things to make and do (My Usborne Site).

There are several things that I love about all of the Usborne books that we have. I will admit that I haven't read the Huckleberry Finn book, yet. I am waiting until I have the original book and then I will read them and compare them and post about it.

The Duck

Stephen Cartwright illustrated quite a few books which had a little duck hiding on each page or on each double page. Usborne sells many of these books with the "hidden" duck. The kids love searching for the duck among the beautiful illustrations. Click here to see more information on the duck and Stephen Cartwright.

Variety

There are so many different varieties of Usborne books sold. Flipping through the current catalogue I see books that teach the reader to draw animals, farmyard stories, 1001 things to spot books with a variety of subjects, touchy-feely books, animal books, doll books, fairy books, first books for babies and toddlers, books that educate on all kinds of subjects (geology, anatomy, history, art, music, mechanics, animals, and more), cowboy books, ocean books, dinosaur books, books for older kids, kits, activity books, Accelerated Reader books, Learning Palette books, Jigsaw books, board games, sticker books, atlases, princess stories, knight stories, castle stories, stories that deal with mechanics (not the people, the subject), phonics books, and so much more. Is it any wonder that a book lover like me fell in love over a year ago with Usborne Books?

Colorful Illustrations

The books are so detailed and illustrated with kids in mind. On my Usborne site or sometimes via Amazon or Google Books you can peek inside the books. I love to look at some of the books I don't have, and see the illustrations. I think my favorite of the non-encyclopedia books that we own is the Hide-and-Seek Dragons book. Not only is it touchy feely with the spots inside the pages you can touch (cardboard and other textured material) it also has flaps! Each page is full of dragons and other objects. I love to count the dragons with the kids and feel all the textures and lift all the flaps. It is a great book.

Information

The Encyclopedias are chock full of good information for the kids. Nate loves when I read to him from the book about art or the book on ancient history. He loves to flip through the books on space, the world in general, and dinosaurs. The pictures are wonderful to look at and the text is engaging. Some of it is meant for a higher reading level, but I explain what the words mean to Nate and he still enjoys listening. As some of you will remember, we had a wonderful night with the spotter's guide on stars looking up and trying to identify constellations! We all learned something that night.

My Kids Love Them

Need I say more?

And so much more...

There are so many reasons for me to love Usborne books that there is no way I could list them all. Besides, I've run out of time!

Labels: random

For the last few days, a friend of mine visited from out-of-state. I thought I was going to be able to manage blogging, homeschooling, cleaning, cooking, gardening, hostessing, game-playing and everything else while he was here, but, uh, I can't manage all that on a regular day! What was I thinking!?

I'm back now, though, happier and more relaxed. We played a fun new game while he was here and of course RockBand 2.

I enjoyed his visit and I hope he enjoyed it as well.

I'll be back to my regular sporadic schedule later today! (I hope.)

Labels: random

To read a newspaper is to refrain from reading something worthwhile. The first discipline of education must therefore be to refuse resolutely to feed the mind with canned chatter.
- Aleister Crowley

Thoughts?

Labels: homeschol

Family Entertainment

One of my favorite childhood memories involves dark rooms and crooning music. My mom and dad, back when they were still married, needed to have quiet time every once in awhile. They would turn all the lights off throughout the house and put Garth Brooks or George Strait on the stereo. My dad would light a fire in the fireplace, and we'd all sit around the living room listening to the music in the dark.

Sometimes, my dad would sit with me near the fireplace and he'd quiz me on square roots. I was between eight and twelve.

Now I am the adult; now I am the parent. Now when we need to relax we turn the stereo up loud and we make our band. Nate loves the drums, I get vocals, and Sammi is stuck with the xylophone.

It's sanity saving, I promise.

Labels: mommy blogging

I hope to make some more substantive posts today, unlike the past few days, but who knows if that goal will actually occur.

So, just in case I don't get around it (I can't think of why I wouldn't have time, as I look around my messy home), here are a few random facts.

Random Facts

1. I love Ducati Monsters. I would kill to own a Ducati Monster. (I wouldn't really kill. Well, maybe a fly or a flea.)

2. I am most happy in a pair of jeans, and I prefer the brand to be Banana Republic. I get them from an outlet store for cheaper, and they fit all my generous curves. Still, I only have 4 or so pairs.

3. I spent most of my childhood trying to escape reality via a book or computer game, and I don't remember most of it. I won't let my kids do the same, because I want them to make memories of their own in their childhood instead of borrowing others'.

4. My favorite flowers are tulips and daisies, although in recent years daisies have started winning the battle.

5. I am the first in my direct line to graduate from college with a 4-year degree. I have my BA in Psychology with Honors (I conducted an experiment from start to finish, wrote a thesis, and defended it to faculty), AA in Criminal Justice, and AA in Liberal Arts. I want to go on for social work grad school.

6. I spent eight years in the Army National Guard, 2 inactive. I worked full-time for the security and anti-terrorism departments for almost two years. I looked really hot with a 9mm.

7. I really want to run a marathon, but I cannot get the gumption to train.

8. I think taking a backpack and going hiking and camping for a week up in the Colorado mountains sounds like the best time ever. I'd leave the technology home without a single problem.

9. I'm a flexitarian. I eat mostly vegan/vegetarian and only sometimes environmentally-sound meat. I'm not perfect though.

10. I love a wide variety of music. Music from other countries, pop, hip-hop, rap, heavy metal, rock, techno... Well, pretty much everything except country. I actually own Garth Brooks and Taylor Swift albums, though. I'm rather ashamed of the Taylor Swift albums.

I could go on all day with these little random tidbits, but I'll spare you all. :)

Labels: random

As my sister kindly pointed out, it has been a lot longer than a few hours. Saturday we were gone all day long moving items from my mom's house to our own, which is a two hour trip one-way. Sunday we were busy all day moving everything in and around the house and trying to clean up the vast mess by consolidating not two houses but four. (My grandma gave me a bunch of stuff, my sister, and my mom, and we're still trying to sort everything out!)

Yesterday I tried valiantly to keep up with everything I have going on (planning the kids birthday parties/open house coming up in a week and a half, managing a child care business, managing homeschooling, cleaning, unpacking, moving heavy pieces of furniture, ordering necessaries for the house, grocery shopping, bill paying, cooking, updating the website, editing photos, taking photos, sorting through magazines for crafts and recipes and pitching them, and far far more), and I failed. Miserably.

So, several days late, here's the update on the sun prints. :)

Several hours after I had put out the sun prints and went inside to clean up, it started to rain. I didn't notice at first, so the prints were throughly drenched by the time I realized it was pouring out. The yellows bled and didn't turn out at all.

The reds however did turn out fairly well. I think it would have been better if they had gotten a bit more sun time and a bit less rain.



To the kids, regardless of pouring rain and busy schedules, this was magic. It was a lot of fun to do with them!

Labels: crafts, homeschooling, outdoors

Hi!

I've made some changes to the blog feeds and I thought I'd let you know. If you are currently using a feed reader of some sort, you may want to read on. If you aren't, disregard!

If you only want to see the posts I make to this blog, continue to use the url feed://www.aaron-n-jen.com/atom.xml.

If you want to see the posts I make to this blog and my flickr photos, use the url feed://feeds2.feedburner.com/Aaron-N-Jen.

That's all!

Labels: random

Are you looking for something fun to do with your children this summer?

Today, Nate, Sammi, myself, and the child we care for all traipsed outside for two hours to participate in last week's Green Hour activity. (Yes, that cracks me up. You don't see what makes me laugh? Outside for two hours for the green hour? Oh, never mind.)

The activity last week involved looking for shapes in the clouds and making sun prints. The author was using a special kit to make the sun prints, but also recommended using construction paper. That's what we are trying to do. Nate and Sammi ran around the backyard (and I admit, I did too) searching for fun objects to put on their piece of construction paper. We're leaving the papers out in the yard for a few hours, and then we'll check and see if we have made "sun prints!"


Nate put together this one.


Sammi made this one.





I made these two.

All in all, I think the kids had fun, whether or not our project goes bust.



I'll let you know in a few hours if it turned out. ;)

Labels: crafts, homeschooling, outdoors