16 April 2008

My dad was not really an affectionate kind of guy. He's argumentative, a little rough around the edges and a little too concerned sometimes with being "tough." He's also an alcoholic and has too often put himself and his drink(s) in front of his children. He'll never admit that, though, because he prides himself on being there if we ever need him. I can't say that he's always been there, but he does try within the limitations of his problem.

Since I was really young, he has told me that one day he will take me to Colorado and we'll travel the entire state. It was almost a mantra. One day, my daddy and I would travel to Colorado and do something together. I looked forward to it with all of the fervor that a little child can. The years slid by in a frantic blurred motion, and that day never came. That trip never came.

Approximately three to four years ago, I took the planning out of his hands. I called around to a bunch of different places and had brochures sent to me from the travel bureaus and visitors centers of Colorado. I got rates and good travel dates. I asked him if we could talk about it, and plan a trip. I told him I had the money saved up and I wanted to go before it was too late, and he was gone. He told me he'd tell me when he had enough money.

The years slid by, that frantic blurred motion still keeping pace. He didn't call. If I brought it up, he changed the subject. You see, my dad never had enough money and he couldn't save it up. How could he, when he spent all of his money in the bar and on child support?

Last year, I started planning a trip to South Dakota with my friend, Jonathan. I invited my dad and my brother to come along. My sister would be in Air Force training when we planned to go. It'd be my family (Aaron and the kids), Jonathan, my dad, and brother. My dad turned me down and said he just didn't have enough money (mind you, we were tent camping and the entire trip was so cheap compared to what he spends in a month at a bar).

I found out six weeks before we left for our South Dakota vacation that he was taking my younger sister and brother to Colorado for a week. He didn't even invite me.

I felt betrayed; I cried. I reasoned it out in my head and tried to figure out why he didn't invite me. I felt like a toddler whose sucker had just been taken away. And, if he didn't have the money to go tent-camping in South Dakota, then how the hell did he have the money to take my brother and sister to Colorado for a week and stay in hotels and go on elaborate tours?

Finally, I worked up the courage to ask him what had happened. He told me that when I'd informed him of the trip (late Spring), he didn't have the money to go to South Dakota. Then he got money and decided to take my sister and brother to Colorado. He didn't invite me because I have kids, and he wasn't going to pay for me, my two kids, and my fiance to go to Colorado. He also didn't have the space. I informed him that we would have been happy to take our own vehicle and pay for ourselves, not to mention the fact that I could have went by myself, and left everyone else here in Iowa. He just grumbled and said he didn't understand the big deal, that I'm all grown up now, and I shouldn't be unhappy.

I persisted in being unhappy about it. We've never really done anything together, and this was a promised trip that was talked about my entire childhood.

Recently, I think he gave up on trying to understand how I felt and just decided to give in. He and I are going to Colorado next month for a week.

Any suggestions on things I just have to see?

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