Sammi got to visit her great-great-grandmother on Easter, and she promptly picked up her hat to wear. I think she looks amazingly cute.



Our fence always leaned, but over the winter it seems to have gotten tired, because now it's nearly touching the tree. It seems there is always a project at our house.



Nate and his great-great-grandmother on Easter.

Labels: outdoors, random

On this blog, I have tried to keep the truly painful and personal subjects to a minimum. Yes, I've talked about how my then boyfriend left me when I was two months pregnant (Hey, he just got married and he's having a kid - thank you, Facebook). I didn't talk about how devastated I was, not really. I didn't talk about how I cried myself to sleep nearly every night, and how it took me until a year after Nate was born to start getting over how he'd left. After all, he might read this. Even more, did I truly want to share that with people I don't know? I'd wrote about it, as it was happening, on my other blog. And I'd learned my lesson about how people read that and then get their panties in a twist.

Instead, I've tried to write about benign or happy subjects. Unfortunately, when I'm not happy, I don't feel like I have anything to write. This past week I did not feel inspired in any way to write. I wish that I would have. Writing makes me feel better.

-------------

When I was a child, my parents fought a lot. My dad was an alcoholic who loved my mother, but didn't know how to show it in a way she'd understand. My mom expected too much. Dad was gone a lot, traveling for work, and when he'd come back he'd be bombarded with kids and a wife. He'd drink and get mad and slam cupboard doors and yell. They'd fight, sending us to our rooms, screaming at each other.

When I was in sixth grade, I met Nick. We were in a class together, an English class, reading Kon-Tiki. Our desks were pushed together, two facing two, and he sat across from me. He was amazingly cute, very shy, and didn't like to read. In fact, if I were to be honest, I'd say he was never a really good reader, like I was. I didn't pity him, nor did I feel sorry for him, instead I empathized. You see, we had to round-robin read in our groups of four. When it was his turn, he'd turn really shy and quiet, and read very slowly.

We were in band together, too. He played the trumpet. Our band leader took us on a trip to see the Des Moines Symphony play (I think - it was a really long time ago). We sat next to each other. Tyler was there, too. Tyler and Nick were really close friends, but Tyler always made fun of me. I rather had a crush on him, actually. I did for years. Anyway, Nick had one of his friends (probably Tyler), ask me out. I said yes.

We "dated" for awhile, like middle schoolers do. We hung out and occasionally went to watch a movie together. He was my first boyfriend. We never kissed, just maybe held hands. We were both really shy and I didn't know what to do. For Christmas, he gave me a horse that when you move it, it neighs. I was a huge horse fan, and was always across the street at the neighbor's stables. I broke up with him on Christmas. I don't remember why, but we didn't talk again for several years.

-------------



This story, and the ones about Nick that will follow, are extremely painful and bittersweet for me. I love Nick, but we are no longer talking, and I'm not entirely sure why. I'm going to write about it, because I can. And maybe it will help me understand and remember our long history.

Labels: random

Yesterday? 40 degrees or 50 degrees or something. Today? Snowing.

Labels: random

I'm going through a serious funk right now. Aaron's out of town (AGAIN) for four days... and, and... Well, I could whine to you. I could. But, I won't.

Instead, I'm going to tell you about one of my favorite actors. I'm sure you've never heard of him. He's really quite minor -- nobody important. I just looked the following information up, so I could tell you some things about him, since he's just not that salient to the American public. He will be fifty-eight years old on December 28th of this year. Can you believe that? Fifty-eight years old. Wow. He's been given three Golden Globe awards and two Academy Awards. That's not at all important, though. He's been married since 1983, to the same woman, and they have four children.

Oh, did I forget to tell you who I'm talking about? He starred in some of my favorite movies: Man on Fire, The Manchurian Candidate, Training Day, Remember the Titans, and The Bone Collector. Figure it out yet?

-----

Today, when I was bored and in my funk, I went through the Netflix list and added 33 of his movies to my queue. I'm going to be having a Denzel Washington year-long marathon, I think.

I'll let you know how it goes. Or not.

I am so incredibly sorry for this really boring post. I am. I'm sad and depressed, and damnit, I want spring to be here already. This "it's warming up!", "No, it's snowing!", "No, it's warming up!" business is just making me go bonkers.

Labels: random

I have never been a fan of getting calls early in the morning. I don't wake up until around ten thirty. Oh, you see my body up at seven thirty? That doesn't mean I'm awake, now does it.

This morning at 8:08 am I received a call from the University of Iowa's Hawk Alert system. An unnamed active shooter was reported in the Iowa City area. The university had no more information for us then that. I immediately instant messaged Aaron with the news and then started looking for information. The Hawk Alert was given out so soon that the major newspaper (The Gazette) and the student newspaper (Daily Iowan) had not been able to put up articles yet. I'm really glad that Iowa moved so fast to put out information to their student community.

It's now been a little over an hour since the first Hawk Alert was sent out, and another Hawk Alert came about twenty minutes ago or so. I didn't catch this one, but I believe it said that nobody at the university was targeted.

I went back and dug around and found these two articles: Shooter in Iowa City Area, Iowa City on Alert for Gunman.

I'm interested to see what pans out and what really happened, and I'm glad that I wasn't on campus this morning when the first alert went out! I'm still waiting on the news to see if someone really was killed, and if that is the case, I will feel very badly for those families.

EDIT TO ADD:

Five Killed in Iowa City

How devastating.

Labels: news

One of my best supporters since I found out I was pregnant with Nate has been my Aunt Brenda. Over the past four years, she has been there for me when I thought I was losing it and needed some time away, when I had military obligations, when I had work obligations, when I went on vacation, and even more. She has selflessly offered to watch my children (with her now ex- helping a considerable amount) and has showered them with love and attention. In fact, she and my mother-in-law will be watching my children while Aaron and I are on our honeymoon on St. Lucia.

Not only has she been there to watch my children, but she's been there as a support for me. She has sent me numerous e-mails telling me that I am doing my best, I'm a good mother, and I need to stop worrying. She has talked to me on the phone, hugged me, offered me money and food. (Which I've partaken from on several occassions.) She's allowed me to stay in her (and her ex's) home while I'm in town (as she lives two hours away from me) multiple times.

I've appreciated it every step of the way. She's been there without question, unhesitatingly.

She's also been going through her own trials. She finished college (she went to school in her mid 30s, I believe), got a new job, underwent surgery, lost more than one hundred pounds (I'm thinking more than two hundred, but what do I know?), underwent some financial changes, and many other events. Yet she has still been there for me.

I just want to give her a heartfelt, "Thank you." I never forgot or took you for granted. I'm so grateful for your help and assistance, and I hope that I can be there for you in any way, as you were there for me.

Thank you Julie at Another Chance Ranch.

Labels: thankful thursday

Obama wrote a forty-minute speech, himself, and delivered it yesterday, I believe. I was watching the ten o'clock news (what a joke) and they barely touched upon this speech. I think it is extremely important for anyone who plans on voting to listen to this speech. Really listen to it. Don't just turn it on and pay attention to something else. Listen to the honesty and the truth within the speech.

I'm not saying that you have to vote for Obama, I'm just saying that you should give every candidate his or her fair share of attention. Really be active in who you want to vote for. Do you have knowledge of truly touching speeches by the other candidates? Please, post links to them in the comments so I can watch them and be educated, as well.

Obama's Speech - In His Own Words

Labels: news

When I was a younger, I loved to read. Absolutely loved it. I can remember the day I walked around the library in elementary school, and I'd already read most of the books. The librarian was stumped as to what she should find for me. I'd been reading since Kindergarten, and even got in trouble in school for reading books during class instead of paying attention. Well, that has a story behind it. You see, my parents were at a loss as to how to punish me for my "wrong-doings." Like when I didn't do chores, because my nose was buried in a book. After awhile, it hit them. The perfect idea. Yes, they grounded me from books. So... I started reading in class.

One of my favorite authors was Piers Anthony. At age 12, I started a Piers Anthony fan club on AOL (1996). It didn't last long after my 13th birthday, when I went on to other hobbies like roleplayed horse farms, or GemStoneIII. However, I've never lost that place in my heart for Piers and his fabulous Xanth series. I'd like to have them all, so my children can grow up with those books, too.

I was reading National Geographic yesterday, when I saw an alarming article. Lake Okeechobee's levels fell to less than 9 feet in 2007.

As soon as I saw the name Lake Okeechobee, I was catapulted back into Xanth and the adventures of Dolph, Electra, Grey, and Ivy.

I really need to get those books.

Labels: random

Labels: random

I woke up without anything pressing to talk about. I could talk about my viewpoints on National Service (oh, what a way to get everyone riled up), or I could talk about how I finally did my taxes, or perhaps another boring slideshow of my seedlings. No? How about who I'm leaning towards voting for President? Oh, not in the mood for politics this early in the morning? Well, gosh. What's a girl to talk about? I avoid the religion topic (again, why would I want to alienate most of the people who slide on by to read my posts?). No politics. No boring every day stuff like taxes.

Hmm.

Nothing to update on the vermicomposting. Still getting my bin set up and adding lots of food and cardboard for those wormies. Nate loves to point at food as I'm readying it for the bin, "Mommy, look, worm food! Where are the worms?" It's cute. Just trust me on this, ok?

Oh, I know! We could talk about how I'm a bad mom. No, really. I am. I've got two exhibits for you.

Exhibit 1
I often retreat into my office to work on school work, bills, you know. Grown up stuff. The kids are gated out of this room because it holds my scrapbooking stuff. Knives, scissors, reels of ribbon, etc. I not only don't want them to poke their eyes out, cut holes in their shirt (Nate's done this before), or other safety related issues, I also don't want them to make a big mess.




Bonus reason. This girl's hair should be up in an elaborate braided beautiful hair arrangement. Instead, it's hanging in her eyes.


If she could talk, she'd say, "Mommy, pleeeease let me in?"

Exhibit 2
When my kids walk around with things on their head, instead of telling them its a safety issue and they shouldn't do it, I laugh and take pictures.






Ironically, the shirt with the hole in it. Look above Elmo's hand.

Labels: random

If you remember (or if I told you), you may know that the seeds I started a few weeks back were from last years seed packets. I didn't store them correctly, and they were expired. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to pull them off, mostly because I know nothing about seeds, so I thought I'd try to plant them and see what happened. We're still weeks (many, many) from the last frost date, but I was curious. And if I'm curious... well, you know. Nothing gets in my way.


The majority of the seeds are growing well.

One of my goals is to teach my children as many skills as possible to make them as well-rounded as I can. My son already "cooks" with me (I describe what I'm doing while he watches, and sometimes there are parts he can lend a hand), as one example. Lately, Nate has really been into his version of gardening. We stuck some apple seeds into a yogurt cup, as can be seen above (it's the dark green bunch of plants). I have no idea what to do with it now, though! Our latest project was making the rye grass for Easter.


Nate's is the one that has hardly any growth. He has a problem with over-watering. Unfortunately, all the herbs behind it died. I think I'm going to have to buy a plant at the nursery to pot into large pots, because I can't seem to start them from seeds, ever.

On the other hand, the lettuce from the lettuce project has gotten HUGE. I fed the first leaf to Kai and Timothy, today.


I am not sure what to do now, because if I harvest all of this to feed them, it will take months before the lettuce grows enough to feed them again. Hmm. I've got to find a better solution.

Last, I leave you with a look outdoors. We live on a sledding hill and while the snow has melted on all the streets in the rest of the town, ours is stubbornly hanging on. We've got frozen ice hills and slushy water ruts which make driving over it feel like four-wheeling. Nate and Sammi love to hum "mmmm-uh-mmmm-uh-mmmm-uh" as they go over it, making that vibrating noise that kids so love. (Think: blowing into a fan.)


Is the snow ever going to melt off our street? Is that last frost date ever going to come?

Luckily, the kids and I got out for a forty-minute walk yesterday and it was superb. We saw and heard birds, saw clumps of snow fall crashing to the ground, and patches of dead grass here and there. Spring is coming. Finally.

(P.S. Want a laugh? You have to be willing to see a large amount of cleavage and a huge arm. Sammers is resting her chin on my bosom while she watches a movie. No wonder she prefers cuddling with me!)

Labels: gardening, lettuce project

I've been a gamer since before I can remember. I grew up with the Duck Hunt gun in my hand, laughing and playing with my relatives and father. Dad and I used to have huge, elaborate Mario Bros competitions. After awhile, it turned to Donkey Kong and Donkey's sequels. I can remember, too, playing simple games like Pong on his work laptop. In school, we played Oregon Trail and Where In The World is Carmen San Diego?

When I was thirteen, I started playing GemStone III, a multi-player MUD owned by Simutronics Corporation. I played that game for seven years, and quit in 2004. I played Anarchy Online, Star Wars Galaxies, EverQuest (I played for a very short time, I hated that game), and World of Warcraft for a combined six or so years, three in World of Warcraft.

We have a Playstation and a Wii (which I made sure to get the old school Zelda and Donkey Kong games on - those are classics!), which I don't seem to play very often anymore, but probably will again once school dies down a little.

I still play regular computer games, too, like Oblivion and Sims2. If something catches my eye, I buy it and play it until I wake up from my computer-induced coma.

My son (nearly four now) will not be allowed to have nearly as much gaming time as I did. I want him to experience life - baseball games, basketball games, art classes, language classes - whichever his little heart desires. And if it doesn't desire doing those things, I'll pick one for him to participate in. If he truly doesn't like it after a year, he can switch to a different activity. Does this make me really mean? Or supportive of learning different skillS? I haven't really figured that out yet. As Sammi gets older, she too will have to pick an activity to particate in.

For now, though, Nate watches Daddy play console games, and when he's been good, he gets some time wtih Jump Start: Preschool, Caillou Magic Playhouse, or his Cars game on the computer. He likes playing PBS games, too. They are his reward for being good in the day.

I want him to have a good imagination, and be able to immerse himself in other worlds. I also want him to have a good, concrete foundation and idea of the real world.

Labels: random

What is it with children and smearing noxious substances all around? If DHS were to visit me today, they'd probably think I'm a bad mother. I've got flour and cinnamon roll filling smeared on the counter, Kai's vitamin supplement was poured all over our wood dining room floor by the kids (yeah, in all the cracks, too. awesome), the stove top isn't clean, Nate shat in the living room, then shat all up and down the stairs, Sammi threw her cereal all over the floor, the playroom looks like it was hit by a tornado, and I'm in the corner, curled up, biting my fingernails. Or I have my hands over my ears with my eyes shut. Whichever image makes you think of desperation more.

No. I'm not a bad mother. I'm just no longer good at being a single mother. With Nate, it was easier (but still harder than a two-parent family) because he couldn't get into everything! I'd babyproofed the apartment and he wasn't able to climb onto counters and knock over baby gates. I didn't even have Sammi back in those far away days. Now I feel like I'm being knocked over by a damn semi-truck, and all I do all day long is go room to room picking up the latest mess. I'm being hit, hard, by the mommy blues. I think I've yelled more in the past three days then I've ever yelled at them before.

If you gave me another week or two, I'd probably be used to it, and have everything under control.

Thank goodness I won't have to handle that. Aaron comes back from out of town on Thursday night or Friday morning (he left on Sunday). If I can just make it until then....

And somehow, I've got to get this place picked up before he gets back, or he'll really think I'm incompetent. Which I may be. But I don't want him to think that.

Labels: random

Living in a Toxic World just posted a blog regarding how animals impact the environment. This was something that I was just talking about with Aaron the other day. The conversation went something like this:

Jen: Aaron, you know how I've been working really hard to eliminate a lot of animal products from our diet because of the environmental consequences?
Aaron: Yeah, how could I forget...
Jen: I had a disturbing thought. Maybe I'm just becoming really weird, instead of just kind of weird. ...but, you know, Ra-ra eats commercial cat food. That has meat in it. So, even though us humans are trying to get off the CAFO food... Ra-ra is still eating it.
Aaron: Don't worry, he's only eating the downer cows and sick horses.

I laughed heartily (because I have a screwed up sense of humor like that, and often laugh at inappropriate things), and then started wondering about how I could reduce all of my animals' dependence on commercialized products, just as I'm reducing my family's.

I have three pets, currently.

Lord Kai Ramzeez Ta'Rkais was my very first pet. I had other pets as a child through my parents, but I purchased Kai for my birthday back in 2001 (January 27th, to be exact). He was named for a couple of people I really liked from an online game I played at the time. Kai is a bearded dragon, which is a desert animal from Australia. Beardies are extremely friendly and playful, although I never take Kai out of his tank. Before I had kids and a huge house, I'd let him run around in the living room, but now there are too many places for him to hide and things to eat or hurt him. Beardies do get stressed when their habitat changes, too, so while I'd like to get him a larger tank (he's in a 55 gallon right now), for now he just stays in his. He eats a combination of crickets and lettuce/vegetable mix.





Timothy was purchased when I was pregnant with Nate, in late 2003 or early 2004. Red-eared slider turtles can be found all over the southern United States. He is probably the favorite of people who come to visit, because he eats comets, a type of gold fish, which swim all around the tank. Whenever we are eating dinner, Timothy is trying to as well, and it is highly entertaining to watch. He eats a mixture of lettuce/vegetables, comets, snails, and red wigglers.



Our third pet is Ra-Ra Alexander, our cat. Ra-ra was purchased when Nate was turning a year old as a birthday present. Nate and Sammi both love Ra-ra, and pet him often. The only two words Sammi says? Hi and "mauw," which is her version of meow. Ra-ra is now a fatty mcfatterson cat, although he used to be a cute little fluff ball.





I've had a variety of pets over the years, but I've pawned off most of them (or they've died), and I really don't want any more. I don't know what I will do when the three I have die, because I love them all so incredibly. But I don't want to add to the mix at all.

So, what measures am I taking, you ask? And please, feel free to add any comments on my choices, suggestions or criticisms. I'm still learning, here.

Kai:
Part of my lettuce project of growing lettuce indoor this winter was aimed at feeding Kai and Timothy. I have learned from the project: I need a lot more space to grow any amount of lettuce that would be capable of feeding them; Kai does not like frozen vegetables/lettuce. I had mixed up a blend of veggies and lettuce, shredded them in a food processor, and then frozen them. Timothy (and the comets) love it, but Kai hates it. I would like to grow a huge amount of lettuce this growing season for them, and then I need to learn a way to preserve it for the animals for the winter, or make a larger area to grow lettuce indoors. Any suggestions here?

Kai also eats crickets. I have tried to raise these, but unfortunately I am unable to remember to water them, so they end up shriveling up unused. I think I will try again in a couple years when I have less responsibilities on my plate, or at least less stressful responsibilities. (Does that ever actually happen? Less stress?) Currently I buy them from the local Petsmart in just the right amount for Kai to eat before they kick off.

Lighting and substrate. Kai's last light broke, so I just switched him over to a compact system. He has a compact flourescent-like bulb for his spectrum and another bulb for his heating. They all operate on less than 45watts for about 10-12 hours a day. We put a cover on top of his tank to try to keep the heat in for him. He also has a small undertank heater to try to keep the heat up in his tank. I don't know of any way to reduce these energy costs, although we are moving to more and more renewable energy sources. Kai's substrate is crushed walnut shells. This has been shown to cause impaction in some animals, but he's been living on it for seven years with no problems. I prefer it to the sand because it is renewable, but I haven't researched it, so that may be faulty logic.

Timothy

Timothy eats a variety of foods.

Petsmart has a problem with invasive baby snails growing all over their tanks. They get shipped in with the plants and then take over. We get our snails for free from Petsmart. If someone doesn't come in to take their babies, they throw them away. I also have a small tank set up on the kitchen counter which receives sunlight and that's all (no energy costs whatsoever) with some snails in it. I'm trying to grow some to put in Timothy's tank for eating purposes.

The lettuce project.

Red wigglers. I started my worm composting system with the idea that I'd be able to take the extra (bred in my system) red wigglers from the system to feed to Timothy. I think this is a great idea to help sustainably feed Tim.

Currently, Tim eats comets. Once I get the red wigglers up and running, I'd like to remove comets from the system as much as possible, and only feed them as a treat.

Lighting/substrate/water needs. Timothy has a low wattage light to add some heat to his basking spot and to light up his tank. He also has a water heater to heat the water temperature. He has a gravel substrate which is cleaned, but never removed. (I did have to purchase this recently, as I had removed all the gravel out of his tank to use in a fish tank awhile back. Now I have all that gravel back [the fish died and we didn't replace them] and I don't know what to do with it. I think I'll clean it and line plant pots with it.) The biggest problem with Tim is his water usage. He has carbon filters which need replaced every so many weeks and water is constantly evaporating. Any ideas here?

Eventually, again I've done no research, I thought it would be neat to set up an aquaponics system with Tim to use that water for better reasons. I have no idea if the water would be too strong for plants, since turtles are extremely dirty and give off a lot of ammonia. I need to do research.

Ra-ra

Ra-ra eats commercialized cat food, currently. I just switched his litter over to Yesterday's News from clay litter. He doesn't have many toys, and I don't purchase him new ones. I'd like to see if there is a better way to feed him.

This post got reaaaaally long, eh?

Labels: environment, gardening

I mark the stages of my daughter's life by the length of her hair, I've decided.


Fetus - no visible hair


Infant - fuzzy hair on a cone-shaped head


Baby - spikey, fuzzy hair


Toddler - hair juuust long enough on top to go into a half pony tail


Little Woman

Why do they have to grow up so fast? Why do they have to grow up at all? (Oh, that's right. So I don't lose my sanity.) Why are they so darn cute?!

Labels: random

3 - 15 ounce cans of black beans, drained & rinsed
2 - cans corn or 1 package frozen corn
1.5 c vegetable broth
1 c salsa
5 t lime juice
3 t ground cumin
1 t garlic, minced
1/2 t smokey tabasco sauce
2 cups cilantro, roughly chopped
1 jalapeno pepper (opt)
4 green onions, sliced (opt)

sour cream (opt)
cheddar cheese (opt)


Take 1.5 cans of black beans and one cup salsa and pulse in food processor until smooth. Pour into a sauce pan on medium heat, add remaining 1.5 cans of black beans, vegetable broth, corn, lime juice, cumin, garlic, cilantro, tabasco and jalapeno. Heat on medium until boiling, simmer for 10 minutes or until its a good consistency. Pour soup into bowls to serve and top with a dollop of sour cream, a sprinkle of cheddar cheese, and some green onion to taste. Leave out the cheddar cheese and sour cream for vegan recipes.

This was so delicious! I looked at a bunch of different recipes for black bean soup and then pulled out ingredients to try in my own. I'm very glad I did. If there is any part that you don't like (except probably the black beans, ha!), I'm sure you could fiddle with it and it'd still come out great. :)

Labels: cooking

I wrote this for a college class back in 2004 or 2005. Since I was just talking about it two posts down, I thought I'd post it for you all to be bored. :)

______________________________

A slender girl dressed in a light gray Army physical training uniform sat at the end of a row of three other females. They were all sitting perfectly parallel with approximately three inches between their chests and the table edge. Their hands were in their laps. A muscular man with a round, brown saucer-like hat sat on the opposite side of the table, his crisply creased battle dress uniform pressing against the edge of the table. The section of his arms from the elbows to the fingertips was resting lightly against the polished veneer of the tabletop. His brown eyes bore into each woman's eyes, one at a time. When he finally spoke, each woman visibly shrank. "If you do not pass your physical training test this last time, we will re-cycle you. THis means that you will have to start basic training all over again and you WILL have to go to PTRP." He paused, his fingers lightly tapping the paperwork centered between his arms, a remorseful look flitting across his face. "Do you understand me, Privates?"

A soft chorus of tear-choked voices answered him. "Yes, Drill Sergeant." The drill sergeant passed out the paperwork to each individual, instructing them on how to fill it out. After carefully writing all of the information in an unsteady hand, the first girl passed the paperwork back to the drill sergeant. Her uppter teeth bit into her lower lip as she struggled to remain in control. The drill sergeant spoke to her in a kind voice, "Private, if you pass your last PT test, I will tear up this counseling statement and shred your PTRP paperwork. If not, I will turn these in for record." He stared at her for a moment and then continued, "Go join the rest of your company." The private could barely meet his eyes. "Yes, Drill Sergeant."

Private (my last name) walked back towards the company area, pondering her actions thus far. She had fired her M16A2 at the range, qualifying with thirty-three hits out of forty. She had passed her bayonet course -- actually, she was the only girl to be so strong as to BREAK her bayonet! She had climbed up the thick ropes of victory tower, swung across a pit at the very top, and rappelled down the side. She'd marched several different courses, up to thirteen miles at a time -- up and down hills, through sand and mud, in the heart of a pine tree forest -- with twenty to fiftey pounds on her back. She'd struggled to push-up her body on a downhill slope with red ants climbing all over her body. She had done everything her drill sergeants had asked of her! However, it still wasn't enough. She hadn't passed her physical training test.

Thirteen push-ups in two minutes. Forty-seven sit-ups in two minutes. Run two miles in nineteen minutes and forty-two seconds. It wasn't THAT hard... was it? The thoughts whirled through her head, climbing all over each other, and jumping on top of her common sense. I am WORTHLESS! My dad is going to hate me; he will be ashamed. My friends will laugh at me. My family won't love me. Everyone will know I couldn't make it!

The girl had arrived in the company area, and wiping the tears from her eyes and the snot from her nose, she joined a line for the payphone. The other privates studiously ignored her, laughing in their circles while warily keeping an eye out for the Drill Sergeants. Private B scuffed her New Balance tennis shoes against the concrete and tried to concentrate on her surroundings.

Each private was allowed two minutes on the phone. Within ten minutes, the girl arrived at the pay phone. Very early on in basic, she had learned that memorizing your calling card and its password was crucial. Fumbling for the card and inputting the numbers could take up to a precious 30 seconds, if you weren't careful. Private B stalled when she got to the point where you enter in the number you wish to call. Dare she tell her mother that she hadn't passed her test... again? After a few seconds, the girl entered in her grandparents' number. "Grandma? It's me. I don't think I'm going to grad-graduate." The girl dissolved into tears, sobbing so hard her entire body was shaking. She leaned her hot face against the cold metal of the phone booth. She tried to hide her face. Her entire company knew that she was a failure, but they didn't need to know that she was weak, too.

"Honey? What's wrong?" The woman's voice was soothing and concerned. The girl choked on her own tears and couldn't answer. The woman continued, "Why wouldn't you graduate? You've been working so hard and you don't have that long left!"

Private B nooded, then realizing that her grandma couldn't see her, she replied, "Yes. I have been working hard. I am going to pass! I just ca-can't do this again." She had started out strong and firm but by teh end, she was choking back a fresh batch of tears. "G-Grandma? Will you still love me if I don't make it?"

Her grandma laughed softly in response, "Of course, Jen. You can't be good at everything, you know. Running isn't your strong point. I believe that you can do it, but if you don't...none of us will feel any different about you."

The girl nodded again and wiped her tears on her forearm. "Yes Gramma. I gotta go. I'll talk to you later."

The platoon guide yelled out in a deep voice, "Time's up! 15 seconds and the time starts again! The girl quickly said I love you and hung up the phone.

The girl's thoughts settled as she went back to the end of the line. She was going to pass her PT test. She wasn't going to do it because her father, or her friends, or even her platoon mates might look down upon her. She was going to pass it because she could. Her grandma had faight in her. And if she didn't pass the test? Well, she knew she was loved either way. The pressure to succeed for others had been taken off her shoulders. Private B made a vow to herself, "I am going to pass this test. It is a minor challenge and I am going to overcome it. I will do this and make everyone proud. My drill sergeants. My battle budy. My family. But more than anything, I am going to do this for myself."

______________________________

And, I did. I graduated from basic training on February 14, 2002. :)

Labels: random

Avocado-Tomato Tacos

3 avocados, peeled and pitted
1/2 cup onions, diced
1 - 15 oz can diced tomatoes, drained
1/2 t garlic salt
2 t cumin
12 - 6" corn tortillas
1 bunch of chopped cilantro (about 1/4 cup per taco)

Place the avocado and onion in a food processor and process until mix is smooth with few chunks. Put the avocado-onion mixture in a bowl and add tomatoes, salt, and cumin. Mix. Warm up the tortillas in the oven or microwave. Spread the mix on the tortilla (makes 12) and top with some chopped cilantro.

This is a cold taco, so I recommend it for hot summer nights. Alternatively, you can add some taco-seasoning spiced veggie crumbles to add a bit of heat to the taco. Of course, you can also toss more things in like a jalapeno (or add a pepper sauce at the end per taste). I really liked it! :) Serves 6. Takes about 20 - 30 minutes to make total.

Labels: cooking

Going on with my theme of people I am thankful for, I thought I would talk about my grandma on my mom's side. Growing up in my house wasn't always the easiest thing with an alcoholic father and an emotionally unstable mother. It was even harder when they divorced the summer before I went into high school. (Don't worry, this isn't an "oh pity me" post.) There were times I felt abandoned or neglected, and definitely insecure. Luckily, my grandma was always there for me if I needed someone to talk to or lean on. She unconditionally loved me, which is something that I really needed in that time of my life (and now!).

I can remember when I was in basic training and I wasn't performing well on the PT test. I had never been a physically active person, and I had troubles meeting the run times necessary to pass. I called back and told my grandma that if I didn't pass this test, they were going to make me stay back and I was going to have to do basic training all over again. I'd fail. I asked her if she would still love me if I was a failure. She just laughed softly and told me she'd love me no matter what happened, and that it wasn't important to her if I passed or not. It's hard to describe the despair I was feeling at that time with out launching into a huge, long story, but my grandma helped lift that for me.

When I found out I was pregnant with my son, my grandparents never said anything negative to me. They were supportive, and happy for me. I was sitting at their house, six weeks pregnant, when I realized that Bryan wasn't going to call me back. That he was gone, for good, without even a word. I remember curling up on the couch and denying it, "No, Grandma, I'm sure he'll call. I know it's been a week. But he's been really busy with the Marines. I know he's coming home for Thanksgiving, and he'll call me. He will." I remember later that night, crying myself to sleep, when I realized he wasn't going to call.

When I told them I was pregnant with my daughter, they had such joy on their face. They didn't consider my kids a burden. They considered them a gift, as I do. So many people have that look flit across their face. "You're too young, you don't make enough money, you shouldn't have kids, you aren't married, you have no idea what you are doing, you are irresponsible." My grandparents never looked at me like that. They were just happy for me.

I'm extremely thankful that I've had my grandma, and my grandpa, on my side. I'm grateful that they love me, unconditionally. I'm thankful for all the times they've been there for me, particularly my grandmother. I'm thankful for the days she'd take me to the library, on my whim, so I could get more books. I'm thankful for the times she let me run over from her house to my "boyfriend's" house when I was in middle school. I'm thankful that she taught me to drive at the tender young age of... oh... eight?

Now, I live far away from them (four hours driving), and don't get to see them nearly as often as I'd like. I talk to my grandma two or more times a week on the phone, and chat with grandpa as well. They give me comfort and help relieve my stress. They give me advice and help me to realize my priorities. I love you Grandma. I love you Grandpa. Thank you.

Labels: thankful thursday

For the past 30+ hours I've been listening to the two versions of Mad World (Tears for Fears; Michael Andrews and Gary Jules) on repeat. Every time I find a new song I absolutely love, I listen to it over and over again for days until I'm finally worn out with it. After that, I treat it like every other song I've ever heard, except I have some lingering fondness. I figured for our entertainment, I'd list a random five songs of which I am fond.



1) All For Love - Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, Sting



When this song came out in 1993, I was 9 years old. (Ouch. Young.) It was in the soundtrack of the movie The Three Musketeers. I can remember it played on the radio over and over again for weeks. Every time it came on, my mom would ask me, "Jen, this is the trio! Who is it?" I would dutifully answer with a lot of excitement, "Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, and Sting, Mommy!" My mom would have been 27, which is still plenty hip, and these were the artists of her time. We shared a love for music that helped us to bond.



I will always think of the "trio" as Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, and Sting. And, to me, they will always be fantastic artists.



2) The Real Thing - Kenny Loggins



When my parents were going through a divorce in 1997 [13 years old], preceded by a long seperation, I was unsure of how I felt about marriage and love. There was so much fighting and stress, anger and bitterness. My favorite movie at the time was Top Gun (I may finally be outgrowing that, but I still claim Top Gun as my favorite), and Kenny Loggins has several songs on that soundtrack. My mom had his Greatest Hits CD, and I borrowed it. I would listen to the CD over and over and over again. This song never failed to make me bawl.



"I did it for you, and the boys

Because love should teach you joy,

And not the imitation,

That your momma and daddy tried to show you.

I did it for you, and for me,

And because I still believe,

There's only one thing,

You can never give up,

Never compromise on,

And that's the real thing you need in love.



You're so afraid your life is over,

And nothing I can say can change your mind.

How can anybody be so selfish,

And treat you all so cruel,

Go on and scream at me and cry. "



I did cry. I did scream. And I had several years of a very bad attitude.



3) Freak On A Leash - Korn



It was junior year '99 - 2000. I was hanging out with Nick, riding around in his '71 Chevelle SS, and trying not to hate myself and the world. I felt out of place, and didn't know how to change that. I didn't want to change that. I would sit on the bleachers at gym, and just listen to this song. Because of that, I failed several semesters of gym and ended up having to take gym twice a day every day my senior year. Smart move, right? Korn will always represent that period of adjustment after my parents' divorce and before I joined the military.



4) Chop Suey - System of a Down



It was November 2001. My really hot (and married) drill sergeant loved metal, just like I did. We weren't allowed to listen to the radio in basic training, but if we were being really good, sometimes he would turn the radio up loud and leave his office door open. If we even dared talk about the music, he would turn it off and we would do push-ups. I sidled over near the office, and sat down. I pretended to be cleaning or writing a letter or something, but I was really listening to the music. I was sitting on the ground, my head cocked to the side and leaning against one knee, with my eyes closed. I didn't hear him approach. Suddenly he was standing over me and he loudly asked, "PRIVATE. What are you doing?" I jumped to my feet, "Drill Sergeant I was - was.... Drill Sergeant I was listening to the music." I must have looked pretty down because his voice softened, "You don't hear any music, private." I replied, "Drill sergeant, yes, drill sergeant." By this point I was pretty good at reading my drill sergeants, and since he was my favorite, I caught his drift. I sat back down, closed my eyes, and listened. He went back in his office and ignored me.



I was so homesick and sad, and for some reason this song touched me.



I think it was one of two times in over six months that one of my drill sergeants was nice to me in any way, shape, or form. He must have been having a really good day.



5) Touched - VAST



This song is much more ambiguous in its meaning for me. I was listening to it when I got into a car accident, I listened to it when I was getting over an ex-boyfriend, and I've listened to it when I'm both super down and super up. Overall, VAST will always have special meaning for me. It reminds me of single life post-basic training/AIT and before I met Aaron. It reminds me of quiet desperation when I was a single mother and it reminds me of nights spent with the windows down on my car, music blaring, driving around post towards the guy's barracks, getting ready for a night of partying. If I were to pick one meaning, it would be about getting over my first boyfriend, the one that I never thought I'd stop loving.



So, there we are. A random sampling of five songs of which I'm inordinately fond. How about you? What songs have touched your heart?

Labels: random

A few weeks back I heard about the television show Jericho on CBS. I was captivated by the concept. I don't want to give too much of the storyline away (and don't google, or things will be ruined for you!), but essentially the people of this small town in Kansas, Jericho, witness a nuclear explosion far away in Denver. The storyline wraps around what happens when power and modern conveniences go down and these people have to struggle for survival when they have no idea what is going on all around them. Who sent the bomb? Was it only Denver? Is it a larger-scale attack? What is happening?

The acting can sometimes be a little... ridiculous. They hopefully didn't spend millions of dollars on the set, because it isn't that great. But... The storyline? It's golden. Absolutely golden. With a little imagination and a little less expectations of perfection, this story will captivate you too. Luckily, the entire first season's full episodes and so far every second season episode that has aired are available here. After you catch up, feel free to watch the show on CBS at 10 et/pt.

I fell in love with a song that they play in the show - Mad World redone by Michael Andrews and Gary Jules. What a lovely (and sad) song. If you have iTunes, search for Mad World in the iTunes store and double click on it for a preview. The original was written by Tears for Fears back in the 80s. They also did "Shout," "Head Over Heels," "Break It Down Again" and a bunch more. This song was emo before emo was emo!

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Mad World

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Mad World
Enlarge your world
Mad World

Labels: random

I've always been a reader. I can remember when I was four or five, sitting on my mom's bed sounding out words in the King James Bible (funny how those didn't stick). I have letters from my first grade teacher telling me about how surprised she was that I'd read Little Woman for fun. I can remember in fourth grade getting busted reading a book under my desk when I was supposed to be paying attention to the teacher. I can remember being pre-teen and discovering books like The Sword of Shannara. The thicker the book, the more I liked it. The more vivid the information, the longer the descriptions, the more immersed I could get, forgetting about my alcoholic father and all of the fights... the better it was.

But, in all those years, I never really liked poetry. It took a college teacher and Introduction to Literature, for me to decide that poetry - well, it wasn't that bad. Some favorites include "Fire and Ice" (Robert Frost), "The Man He Killed" (Thomas Hardy), "The Forge" (Seamus Heaney), "Because I could not stop for Death" (Emily Dickinson), and "Those Winter Sundays" (Robert Hayden).

The one I want to talk about today is called "Digging" and it is also by Seamus Heaney.

Between my finger and my thumb
The squat pen rests; snug as a gun.

Under my window, a clean rasping sound
When the spade sinks into the gravelly ground:
My father, digging. I look down

Till his straining rump among the flowerbeds
Bends low, comes up twenty years away
Stooping in rhythm through potato drills
Where he was digging.

The coarse boot nestled on the lug, the shaft
Against the inside knee was levered firmly.
He rooted out the tall tops, buried the bright edge deep
To scatter new potatoes that we picked
Loving their cool hardness in our hands.

By God, the old man could handle a spade.
Just like his old man.

My grandfather cut more turf in a day
Than any other man on Toner's bog.
Once I carried him milk in a bottle
Corked sloppily with paper. He straightened up
To drink it, then fell to right away
Nicking and slicing neatly, heaving sods
Over his shoulder, going down and down
For the good turf. Digging.

The cold smell of potato mould, the squelch and slap
Of soggy peat, the curt cuts of an edge
Through living roots awaken in my head.
But I've no spade to follow men like them.

Between my finger and my thumb
The squat pen rests.
I'll dig with it.

(I can't get blockquote to work for some reason. My apologies.)

Read that again. What do you think it means? What does it mean to you? What does it make you think of? I'll tell you what I think of, when I hear a couple stories of yours.

This poem is copyright Seamus Heaney 1980. I'm not sure where it originally came from or how to properly cite it.

Labels: random