I've voted. Weight off my shoulder.

Now we'll just see what happens.

Labels: random

Sammi just wants to say, "Thank you Jonathan for the Christmas present! I love my new clothes!"

Labels: mommy blogging

I know that I am not the only parent worried about educating my children on safer sexual practices, natural behaviors, differing sexual orientations, teenage pregnancy, and other issues along those lines. I do think that it is hard for me to reconcile with some other parents on my own stance on these varying issues. It's certainly hard for me to reconcile with school districts as they try to please conservatives in their sexual education practices.

I want my children to grow up knowing that there are differing sexual orientations out there and that it is 100% okay to be homosexual and/or heterosexual. I want my children to grow up knowing the names of their genitalia (inside and out). I want my children to grow up knowing what sexual intercourse is and how it can lead to STDs or pregnancy. I want them to know that if they engage in these activities, they are not bad people. In fact, it is normal and natural to be curious about sex and hormones do run rampant in teen years. I also want them to know that I wouldn't wish them to have sexual intercourse too early, or to have sexual intercourse with people they don't love or care for.

I want my children to know that open dialogue with me and their father about sex (and any other topic for that matter) is completely acceptable and I actually would love to discuss these topics with them. I know that my children are still young - 4 and 2 - but before I know it, they will be entering into puberty and these issues will be full force by then. I was simulating sex in elementary school, discussing it at sleep overs, and practicing kissing pillows at a very young age. Children are aware of sexual activity (even if they don't know the particulars), and if parents do not educate them, they will get their information from peers or the media. Do I really want that?

Do I want them to go to a school district that believes in abstinence only education? Not really. I want them to know that if they are thinking about having sex, they should come to me for birth control, and I will do it without telling them they are bad or naughty. I will make sure they know the choice they are about to make is very important, and that having protection and using your brain is very important, as well that there are other activities they can do to show their closeness to one another. I also know that this information should come from a parent, and not a school district.

But how do I know if I can battle back what the media says is right and wrong, what the school districts say is right and wrong, what peers say is right and wrong, to really reach my children?

This troubles me.

Labels: mommy blogging

Google Reader found another interesting story for me (ah, how I love Google). This one is from The Guardian. They interviewed children living in Britain who came from every country recognized by the U.N. except for San Marino, Marshall Islands, Federated States of Micronesia, Nauru, Paulu, Central African Republic, and North Korea. Some of the answers are heart-breaking and some are intriguing.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/interactive/2008/oct/18/children-britain-world

Labels: news

Living with kids is always an adventure. You start to become savvy and see the world through their eyes, looking for the things that will cause temptation for them, and for you grief. You lock up the markers, the crayons, the colored pencils. You lock up the gazillion piece train set, which you unlock in the morning and then tell them by nap time they have to have it all cleaned up, when you lock it back up again. You plug in outlet covers everywhere, and install a fridge lock. You put your chemicals up above shoulder's reach on an adult, and then lock them too, just in case. You switch over to child proof pill cases and blister packs. The list goes on.

This morning, when Nate ran out of toilet paper and he got under the bathroom cabinet to get some more (good boy), he and Sammi found something that I hadn't thought to childproof. Over two dozen brightly colored packages, complete with crinkly paper and fun little tubes to blow into. They both had a blast, tearing strips into the wrapping paper, and then confetti, and throwing it all about the living room. They enjoyed blowing through the tubes, and shooting objects all over the living room.

And then I found them. And my confetti-strewn living room.

Still clueless as to what they were playing with?

P.S. This woman's story is far worse.

Labels: mommy blogging, random

I am a sap. I admit it. I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve for you.

Hallmark commercials? Disney movies? E-mail forwards? I cry. I tear up, my throat closes, and I get that little hitch in my breath.

I just thought you should know.

Labels: random

Right before I went on my trip to Colorado with my dad, I bought a Palm T/X. I don't do very well sitting still for hours on end, and my dad had a lot of driving in mind. I could work on my reception invitees spreadsheet, update my contact lists, read a few eBooks, and even access free wifi to get directions to great locations or check my e-mail. Additionally, I don't always have enough money to pay the mandatory monthly cell phone bills, so if my cell phone is turned off, I'd be able to use the T/X to e-mail people at any free wifi hotspot as well as transmit documents and keep contact information handy at all times.

I have not regretted this purchase once. There are a few things about the T/X that irritate me, but overall the benefits far outweigh any of my pesky irritations.

A few months back, Jon (my friend) pointed out a site that had some free Tor eBooks. I downloaded them but didn't think anything of it for quite awhile. Then, under the pressures of this semester, I started reading late at night when there wasn't much else for me to do. I'm too tired to actually study or do homework, but I'm too worried to sleep. The T/X and eBooks have definitely filled the gap.

At first I thought that the free eBooks would be really bad - after all, they were free. So far, however, I've been truly enjoying myself. I suggest running over to your local library, if you like sci-fi, and checking out these books. You may not like them - and I'm certainly not going to say that they are outtrumping Jacqueline Carey in my opinion - but I do like them.

1632 by Eric Flint
Through Wolf's Eyes by Jane Lindskold
Touch of Evil by C.T. Adams & Cathy Clamp
Touch of Madness by C.T. Adams & Cathy Clamp

Touch of Evil and Touch of Madness rather remind me of Laurell K. Hamilton's Anita Blake back in the beginning of the series - a powerful woman who knows how to take care of business.

Labels: book review

I have always loved knee-high boots. Heck, if I could get thigh-high, I would. In fact, my very first drill with the Army National Guard unit I spent all my military career in, I let it be known that I loved motorcycles and thigh-high boots.

The sergeant in charge of my section (who will be turning 37 soon; holy cow we've all gotten older) was a motorcycle officer for the police force. We were talking about motorcycles and how much I love them, when he mentioned that part of his uniform was thigh-high boots.

I still had a fake bull whip in the back of my truck from Halloween (I went as a dominatrix, and I wish I had a picture of that), so I told him that if he wanted to grab his boots, I'd grab my whip, and we'd have a party. What an introduction to my first military unit, eh?

From 2000 until some time around 2004, I wore one pair of knee-high boots everywhere. If I wasn't in uniform, I had on my hooker boots (as a friend of mine from early childhood called them). Then in an unfortunate accident in a drinking game, I lost my boots. I was a little too intoxicated (thankfully I was downstairs in the dayroom and so could just walk up to my barracks room) and when I stood up, I lost my balance on my 6" heels and rolled my ankle. The heel split off and the material of the boot split. It was a devastating day.


Father's Day 2003


Now, I have two pairs of knee-high boots. One shiny black pair and one brown suedy pair. Neither one holds a candle to my old boots. I keep searching for a replacement, but sadly, I don't think they make anything like the best boots I've ever worn.

Labels: random

I want a(nother) tattoo. The one I have now is absolutely beautiful. I was 18, freshly turned three months back, and I walked into a tattoo shop near Fort Lee, Virginia. I chatted with the tattoo artist about how I was in the military and I was getting a tattoo to celebrate my freedom and success in making it through basic training/AIT. He docked the price of the tattoo for me, and we picked one off the wall. I'd walked into the store with an idea of what I wanted, but I browsed anyway, and found something immediately that called out to me more than the design I'd had walking in. We changed it a little, and I got inked.



Click for a more revealing shot, but perhaps not at work.

I haven't regretted it once in the now almost seven years. In fact, I want to add more. That tattoo represents my soul. My freedom. Around it I want a black outlined stylized devil and angel with tribal from the waist down with their implements colored that beautiful blue.

I want others, too. To celebrate my marriage I want an emerald sun, the design for which I doodled last night while I listened to my instructor talk about Freud and personality.

To celebrate my children, I want charms put on a tattooed anklet. I always break the real thing, so why not make it permanent?

I don't know which I'll get and which I won't, but I can guarantee I will get inked more. I don't know where or when, or truly even what, but it will happen.

Labels: random

I have a bad memory and I remember very few stories from my childhood. This is one that has always stuck with me.

My mom and I were at my elementary school. It was probably parent-teacher conferences or something similar. I was playing in the large gym with a couple of kids, which used to be just off from the area where the offices were. They were teasing me (although I can't remember over what) unkindly and I finally snapped. "Yeah, well I'm smarter then all of you! I SKIPPED A GRADE!"

At that moment my mom's hand reached down and grabbed my arm. She told me I needed to apologize, and she lectured me over being a braggart, bossy and bratty. Then, she said something that will always stay with me, "Smart people don't need to tell other people that they are smart.*"

At the time I didn't realize it was a profound moment that I would never forget. I was just humiliated over being teased and then my mom lecturing me in front of everyone. I cried.
__________________________

*I have no idea if this is exactly what she said or not. I was about seven or eight years old and again, I have that really bad memory. The meaning was very close, though. :)

Labels: random

Today I realized that somewhere in the god awful mess that was 2005, I lost myself. My brain couldn't handle what was going on in the lives of my family and what was going on in my own life. It shut off, it terminated, it lost the personality that was me.

I used to travel all over the United States, alone. In an hour, I'd decide where I was going and when. I'd pack my bags, take a shower, and drive. Sometimes my trips required more planning, like when I went to Las Vegas (twice), LA, or when I went to San Francisco. Somewhere I've lost that part of my personality.

I used to hop on a motorcycle and laugh as the man in front of me popped wheelies and we roared down the streets. I'd laugh when the man (a different one) would throw us into the deepest steepest corners to where our knees were almost scraping the ground. The adrenaline would pump through me, and I'd just throw my head back. I enjoyed life.

Somewhere in 2005, when my world came crashing down around me, when my mother was experiencing the difficulties of her life, when the military was abandoning me, when my baby's father was still ignoring me and my plight, I lost myself.

In 2002, I was in AIT (Advanced Individual Training). Every morning I would rub vanilla lotion on my legs, my eyes just barely cracked awake, my PT gear hanging proudly on my body. I'd grab some water and chug it, comforted in the scent of Victoria's Secret. When I'd get to PT, the boys would all glance at me, their eyes slightly glazed. And why not? I'll never be a super model, but I was a size six and I could bench press my own body weight. And that scent of vanilla just wafted through the air those mornings when the sun wasn't even above the horizon.

In 2003, I was military security for our state's largest National Guard post and our command headquarters and evacuation spot for the governor. Every morning, I rubbed vanilla lotion on my body, put on eyeliner, stepped into my uniform and went to work. The men I worked with (because I worked with all men) used to call me Lieutenant Stripper. Lieutenant because I was damn bossy (I was really a specialist) and they were mockingly, jokingly, referring to that. They really didn't care that I was bossy. They liked me for who I am (at least most of them). We had fun, partying, drinking, and those other things that mothers and fathers hate to think of their children doing. I was 19 and I was on top of my world.

They called me stripper for two reasons. First, I went to my first strip club with them. Most of them were over 21 (but not all), and the strip clubs around here were BYOB. We could all go to a loud club-like place with great music, pool tables, and huge TVs. They could drink, and we under 21s could stay all night. The hot women dancing around sure didn't hurt matters, of course. I went to the club more than once with them. Second, I always smelled like vanilla. Anyone who has gone to a strip club can tell you that most of the women there pour vanilla lotion over themselves liberally. The scent clings to them like a second skin. It clung to mine, too.

I never went anywhere without the comforting smell of vanilla. Even now, my deodarant is vanilla. But somewhere along the way, I stopped putting on the lotion. Some time in 2005, when my world crumbled and I lost my way, I stopped wearing my body armor, my shield.

Today, after my shower, I stopped in front of the medicine cabinet hanging above my sink. I thought about who I am (a mother, a student, a damn boring woman who hangs out in her PJs every day). I opened the cabinet. There it was. The vanilla lotion that has been sitting there since we moved into this house, a fine layer of dust covering it. I hadn't opened it. I hadn't used it. I'd lost it, just like I'd lost myself.

I shuffled into the walk-in closet off my bedroom, and pondered what I was going to where. Which pajama pants? Which t-shirt? Fuck it. I pulled on the skirt I bought when I was in high school, when I had disposable income. The one that at the time I felt faintly uncomfortable wearing, since I wasn't the skirt kind of girl. Next I looked at my sweaters. The house has been rather cold. I found the one that Asineth Jen sent me back in 2004 or 2005 as a care package when I wasn't sure I could handle being a single parent. All alone.

It's blue, and a little worn, but it fits me perfectly. I looked in the mirror. I'm older. Wiser in some ways, but quite the opposite in others. How did I let myself degrade to this? Why did I sacrifice the parts of myself that love to live?

I walked, a little more confidently, back to the medicine cabinet. I pulled out my black eyeliner, put it on. Grabbed my vanilla lotion, and cracked the lid. The scent instantly brought me back to that self-confident young woman who knew she could do anything she wanted, as long as she applied herself and worked her non-existant balls off (as that woman used to say). As the lotion poured into my hand, the memories poured into my mind.

I'm wearing both comfortably, now. And maybe, just maybe, I can find that woman again. I can be myself - both sides. The mom, the wife, the staid student. The energetic girl who just wants one last adrenaline rush, one last wild ride of life, one last experience.

Is that girl still in there?

Labels: random